mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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