Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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