Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
