I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
