I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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