it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
