Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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