I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
