Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
