how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
