someone threw a dead crab at me
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
