I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
