Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize