Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
