She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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