Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
