Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
