if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
