Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
