I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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