btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
