My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
