Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
