i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
