Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
