I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
