i wish there were pregnant emoticons
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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