There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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