I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
