And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
