Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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