Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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