I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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