I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
