The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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