I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
