I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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