My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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