just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
