there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
