I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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