Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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