Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't turn off my feet"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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