Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
