You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
