he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
