i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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