if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She bit a glass in half.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
