She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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