if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
