i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
