tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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