I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
