so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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