well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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