ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
